Tag: Thoughts

Layers of Lies, Castles of Cards (LoL CoC)

The fact is that most people is made up, or wrapped, with layers of lies. I want to be good, so I assume that maybe it starts with a little lie, a little “masquerade” so to speak. But then another one attaches to the first, like little insects accumulating on flypaper.
Another and another, and slowly the layer of lies becomes the dress, it becomes the day to day dress, their new normal, so to speak.
To these layers new lies are sometimes attached, to embellish the dress, to adjust it, and on and on. Tragic how this is the standard for most people, tragic how this may be the case for the ones around us.
Sometimes something happens revealing a flash of the covered skin, the true one, the fragile one and now even more fragile, delicate, so delicate that these people feel the need to hush to cover them, immediately.
A new layer, sinking the true self even deeper inside.
There are days when there is a little ripple, from inside, the desire to rebel, to scratch those fake (sometimes even beautiful) crusts, off the skin, to come out. For a moment there is the desire to rise, to show the pale skin, the scars, the flaws and beauty but then, it fades. It fades maybe because after all these people are attached to this or that, they fear losing something from the world that knows them fro what they are not. They fear they will be not only judged, but even not accepted, hated maybe.
So they give up. For a day, two, five, their soul hide and curl inside the built dress. A burning ember hidden in a royal shell.
After this period it all comes back to natural
It all comes back to putting new layers, inventing new glowing scales for their dress, for their armor.
In doing this, succumbing even more into feeling weak. Devoured by the paradox of the whole thing, since they started it all for one reason, feeling stornger.

Kitty

0

Wished Dreams

Dreams.

Dreaming, Yes, there are dreams at night.
Wishing the good dreams to populate my nights.
I want the good dreams.
Who doesn’t ?
Easy dreams, peaceful dreams, wild dreams, sexy dreams, dreams of good remembers and dreams of things to come.
Even more than that, simple dreams.

The simple dream in which I am that woman, the One that loves and is loved. Dreaming to go to work after the morning run, showering, getting decent and moderately elegant. Dreaming to leave my apartment in the morning, with all my things, the bills to pay, the errands to do, the worries of the day, my hair to adjust, my poems and worries in me as I walk the world, then having my book on my thighs in the train and the One I Love in me through all this. This simple thing, making me invincible, with an easy simple smile on the face of that decent woman on the train.

Dreaming simple things, daily things, being the woman that stop to buy things or do grocery, the one that have a coffee on the street on the way to my office. Dreaming this to be enough for You to wish to kiss me, just because I am me.
Isn’t this what everyone wish, after all?
This and nothing more.Why ?
Why dreaming this?
Because You, my Special One, You are this to me. Because to me loving is this, and the moments you are YOU and lost in your things, those are the moments when I’d throw my arms around you, and make you spin, with me, in this simple world, in this simple dream, and there is nothing that can come close to this.

Simple dream, a dream that has the name of Love, those syllabi.

No bad dreams, no complicated dreams, a simple one.

0

Just an entry. Just a personal reflection

We all happen needing a shoulder, a hug, a loving word, sometimes.

Sometimes we do. Sometimes we force ourselves to hide it, to say we deal with everything, and need nothing, because everything we need is in us. True: it is so, and false too.
True, we can manage, we will, we won’t die if we don’t get it. not big deal. Or so we say to us. False, we do need it, we might use a word, a hug, that kindness that we are ready and willing to give to those that we love, and we deserve and hope to receive, sometimes, when a word can help us.

We all do, from A to Z, we all do.
We can do without, but we all do.

That’s something we should remember, so we can give it, and never be stingy of them. So we can deliver, because in the end, it helps not just the receiver, but also the giver.

Happy 31st August, 

0

In my Life

In my Life I Love.
In my Life I work.
In my Life I study.
In my Life I listen.

In my Life, I don’t follow money, because through my life, I found out that’s not something making me happier, or giving me something. So I get what I need, for a decent, good, living, and that is perfect with me.

In my Life I try to do the things that fill me the most. I discovered that in doing so I not only realise myself, but I am also creating more happiness around me.

In my life there are things/activities that touches me, pull me, cradle me, connects me to things which are totally disconnected with those activities and still they trigger something. They are many, and many more I hope to find, but I try being dedicated and not scattered.

In my life there are choices, one cannot follow every interesting thing, my very personal belief is that through dedication we grow, through focus. It is a sort of self discipline, and it needs our attention.

In my Life, I love living.
Maybe I am getting older, but now there are times I shiver and I have goosebumps at the thought of what a big thing “life” and “love” are.

In my Life I dream.
I dream of things to achieve, feet on the ground about what is possible and what not but I do dream. We need that, I need that. I’d be much less if I didn’t dream and I would be vacuum if I had no goals.

In my life I learn.
i learn about myself, and possibly I wish to be able to learn from others, and I try to be open to that. There is no day in which I do not learn, so I pray to always stay humble enough to know that there is always more, there is always more and it is worth learning from everything.

Yes, maybe I am getting older, but I enjoy my every wrinkle

Love Always ❤

0

Love is No Color

Love is All Colors

Love has no color.
That is so, for a simple reason, because it has ALL the colors. It does not have all the colors summing up so to lose their essence and becoming something else, becoming “white”.
White is the sum of all colors, white is for angels, not for us.

Love is more.
Love is ALL colors because it has also dark ones, and the most luminous ones, it has all possible hues. They are each preserved, each one has a reason to be, every season of it. Love is all colors because they are not to be blurred, erased. Each one exists, with its features, and live together with the others, having its reason to be, in beauty.

That is what I think, at least

Love, always ♡

0

Dem0n1us

Another night. Once again she moved to her bedroom to try getting some sleep, once again with no success. Twisting and turning at some point in the middle of the night she moved to the kitchen, surrendering to the fact that sleep would have not come visit her, or maybe it did, in microsleeps intertwined with tears, and all sort of thoughts.

She found him there, in the darkness of the living room, after leaving the kitchen. She didn’t know if she was dreaming or not, if she was awake or not, if he existed or not, but she found him there. He was standing there. She could not discern his figure, his look, his shape. Did he possess a shape at all ?

Ciao. – He said –

Who are You? How did You get in?

She did not feel like being in physical danger, it was too surreal for that. She wanted to know who he was, why. She was not so important, or precious, or rich, or hiding anything special. Nor she felt like being such an interesting sexual prey. So who was he?

Michelle Michelle, I have always been around you, in your mind, I did get in you long ago. We get into someone through shocks, feelings, fears. We do get inside in the most different ways.

Who are You? What do you want from me?

Michelle, Kitty Michelle. People call us in mamy ways, the most common one they use for me is “DemOn1us”. Do you know what is a demon?. You all think it is a relgious thing. Religion stole also this from you humans. Religion wants to claim that right too. Do You know what a demon is?.

I guess so. Something ugly I dont want. Someone I want to kick out of my room right away. I got enough things going on already.

It’s not really like that, but there is some truth in it. You humans sometimes get the truth of things without even knowing.
You know what is a daemon in a computer operating system?
You humans developed that programming thing. You humans developed computers, then developed that thing, the “operating system” to take care of the basic tasks, and then, when doing so, you “invented …” (laugh) a little subset of programs that you called “daemons”. They work in every of your computers, they are little independent programs, that lives their own life. You know nothing about them. They are transparent to anything else your computer do, but they exist, they do little things, they triggers actions, etc.
You can think about me like that, it will help you understand better what I am, what a demon is. I am a demon, Your main demon.

Fuck you. You do not exist. You are just a bad dream, I’m dreaming about you.

Dem0n1us. Dem – 0, 1, Us.
I don’t care whether you think I am a dream or not. You are screwed up. Your nights are “me”. You know that isn’t it?
November 27, April 17, January 2.
There are things that will forever vist you. Each of you humans have them. When You have inside that void, once it has visited you, it can’t be removed forever. Once You have seen death … You know why you didnt do it? It was me, that day you didn’t do it because you accepted that you will carry the damnation of living, for not having your parents suffering. April 17: your heart. That time you fought, you were angry and you did not accept being sick. January 2, 16 y old, the party, you in that room: your persona being destroyed and brainwashed into being nothing, spirtitually nothing, sexually wrong, a weight for your family. Stripped of all that. It wasn’t good feelings keeping you here. It was the little daemons.

I will always be with you. Some nights you will vomit, others you will pray, you know that since then we will always be with you. All those days, everyone has them. Some are luckier than others. Sometimes You will feel like you can feel more, because you are somehow not mental.
Maybe you are a little mental though.
You write.
You must be mental, isnt it?
I know you think like this, I am you, in you, so I know it.
You write, so you must be mental isn’t it?
dont you think it?
You dont do drugs though. I still dont know why, it’d be easier.
Praying ?
You think it will help?
You beliebe in rationalising, does it help?
What when rationalising fails?
When it happens I dance and laugh, inside your head, You crack nuts.

Fuck You, I know you, fuck you.

You are crying, it’s fun to be in your mind. To make you write all this.
Wanna shout it?
Did your father know?
What did he tell you before dieing? January isnt it?
When he coudl not speak anymore and he was looking into your eyes.
When he was not able to speak, and you thought it was time to speak of so many of those little things you see so important.
What about love? Can you love?
And Your accident ? November isnt it ?
How was it when she looked at you after the coma after the accident?
Are You crying Michele?
How is it ? Should I go on ?
Should we speak about April ?
Tomorrow ?
Tomorrow night?
Again?
Should I return?

7

♡ 𝕊𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕎𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕟 ♡

“Strong women do this, strong women do that, a strong woman don’t, a strong woman do …”.

All over the places we are told how a strong woman is the one who doesn’t beg, doesn’t ask, doesn’t stay where she’s not explicitly wanted and requested to please be. Or other things like this and that.

We are told how a strong woman should pretend to be this or that, how she should turn her shoulders in case this is not happening. Oh, no, I do not literally agree to that. It leaves out so much. A strong woman is simply herself, that is the truth.
A strong woman is the one who doesn’t care about being a strong woman, THAT is the truth. A strong person is the one who is herself, that is being strong, that is respecting ourselves and the others.

I am strong when I beg and I am silent, as much as when I demand to be listened. Not one bit less.

Am I not strong when I stay somewhere, even knowing that me giving my time and dedication is not requested and eventually will get to nowhere if not into a gift that may be used or not?

Isn’t that a true sign of how strong and self confident I am?
Isn’t a woman strong when she allows herself to hope for the impossible When she believes in dreams and pursue them, with focus and dedication?
Isn’t she the strongest being when that will make her fall and then she rises again to dream again and again?

How is it that society has pushed us to be slaves to a completely utilitarian way of thinking?
How is it that more and more it is “do ut des” and aligning to a way of thinking and behaving that determines and create a categorisation between who is “strong” and who is “weak”.
To drive people into seeing as stronger the one who “takes” as compared to the one who “gives” is wrong. And how is it that we allow these cages and false boundaries to decide what we are worth to achieve?

Such way of thinking is blind, superficial, it leaves out the core of of self affirmation, it does not recognise the strength of hearts in its entirety, cutting out half of it.

Take this writing, for example. Maybe this has no meaning to exist, maybe it will be read by none, or legions, so what? It can be considered small shitty collection of thoughts by a little woman, “weak maybe” because it has no reason to exist and will lead to nothing.

Well, the fact is: I am ME, and I do it anyway and the fact that maybe a part of me even hopes that someone smiles and feel motivated thinking alike makes me feel ok, it makes me feel everything but not a weakie. Take this writing, I write it because I feel like writing it, because I believe in these things, and if no one ever read it but it still stays written, well, that is one more reason why I am strong, or why I am “me”, while being a simple “dreamergirl” at the same time.

Strong women are the ones that stay, IF they WANT, till they want, and then go. They might stay till they get close to breaking, if they want, or till they feel it is enough, or not a minute. They can stay and then maybe regret they stayed too long, but proud they did their best.

Strong women don’t beg? Wrong.
They beg too, IF they WISH, if they find it worth.
They do it because they are strong, and their begging is a gift. Strong woman are the ones who are themselves, full stop.
Dominant, submissive, begging, staying, going, whatever. They are any way they want and feel. Respectfully, with awareness, and heart. Most of all, strong women do not give a damn about being categorised as strong women.

I Stay, I beg, I speak, I write, I affirm, I make mistakes, I face them, I don’t escape, I smile, I kneel, I love, I laugh, and more.

More than anything else, I am me.

3

Wholeness

She stood there. It was one of those moment of blessed loneliness.
A light from above, behind her, projected her shadow in front of her, on the ground. In the silence of the evening, she stopped, facing that challening silhouette. It was the dark image of her, right in front of her, confronting her.

“Without shadow there’s no light”.
“We always are tempted to think the other way round, of darkness as a negation of light, but the truth is: it works both ways”
That was her first thought.

“Maybe without darkness there is also no love”.
She stood there, looking downwards at the dark her.

“How much of me does she holds?”
Then, looking closer, she realised something else. Dark and luminous shared the same origin. Dark melted with shiny. At the very root, she was connected to her dark image.

“I am both. Without you, I’d be lost”
“Wherever I go, I bring You with me”

0

My Way

First there is the seed, then the plant, then the bud. All of this exists but the real flower hasn’t blossomed yet.
What is there is young, it is “promises”, it is strong, it is full of life, it is “potential“. immense potential. Yet, even though all of this is existing, the flower is not part of this world yet.
It is an ember, it is insecure, it has to struggle, it has to break the soil, it has still to come out, leaf by leaf, bit by bit, breath by breath, struggle by struggle, joy by joy. Those are the seasons when time moves slowly, and still, every second is an explosion and the await for the next ray of light, every instant is a surprise and new steps, toward a fate that is there and the flower itself does not know.
The seed is there, awaiting, for days, for weeks, for months, for years. All the Time in the World existed before, for that to happen, since forever. Then the day/s come/s. The perfect water, the perfect sun, the perfect time. So growth starts.
Growth begins, then stops, then goes on. There are storms, there are springs, there are winters, but nature can’t be stopped and growth continues.
After the doors are opened, after nature said “yes” to the growth, everything changes, it is a new era, it is new rules, the universe is not the same. Darkness, before, was not pain, it was another regular day. Grey, before, was not ‘lack of air’ it was sleep, it was limbo, it was just another regular day. The universe is not the same now, the rules of nature have changed. The reward for this is immense, the reward for this is called life, it is called joy, happiness, completeness, balance of the Whole, the reward for this is called “love”. It is harmony not just for this flower but also for all the world around this new creature.
THIS is my love. THIS is LOVING, for me
This is how I am, how I was born to be, how I was born to love, to live it, and there is nothing I can do about it, this is my way.
Once the doors are open I cannot love drop by drop.
No, I am not cautious, I am not slow, I can’t live it in small bites. I cannot. My free time gets me there, my mind works faster, my body senses more, my concentration is higher, my focus is total on what I do, and I do have a purpose. It is not an “obsession” rather, yes, a purpose, a place where I belong, where I go and feel at home. It is my natural place when I am not ok, my natural place to solve the problems, my natural place get new challenges, my natural place for smiles and it is joy I wish to share with anyone around me. Yes I it is as if I myself need to chant it, to seed what I am experiencing or my dreams. I sprout life, I am an happy flower.

It is my natural place and my poor limited and blowing mind can’t possibly think that it could be different for the one I love. The rules of my universe are different. A day of darkness now is not another day, it is pitch black, and it needs corrected, illuminated. Distraction is disrespect, turning head is asphyxia, thoughts not belonging to this universe is something simply unconceivable, distrust is deep wounds leaving eventually scars, if not haemorrhage. What before was acceptable now can be pain, some of he things that before where were just a smile now can be source of immense joy. The universe is just different, because now there is this extra universe, with its own rules, and it is for better.
The reward is the bliss, because now a smile can lighten like one million suns, a word can fuel the heart for days, an instant can accompany you in your every moment, and give you the strength you never thought you had.

The touch of Her kiss is the fertilizer for your happiness, the simple awareness that she thinks about you is your nuclear battery, and YOUR thinking about Her is a fluid of energy that can reach her wherever she is, whatever she does, and feed both. You have this awareness that it is like this, you know it is like this, and every single smile you share, reinforces it. Lovemaking is “Church”, it is elevation, it is delicious sins, and laughs and more happiness, and everyone close to you will get some light too, and positive vibes.
This is how I am, this is how I love. I could be even more daring than that, and saying that it extends on everything in my life that is deeply important for me, although for “love” it just is “more.
This is how I am, I cannot love drop by drop, I cannot trust in half, I cannot love with half-trust and with anything more than the absolute.
So:

“Please life,
allow me to burn,
beautifully.
Please life,
allow me to feel it all,
never spare me a thing”.

This is my way.

0

Ra in a Bow

When the world was still sleep she reached for the edge of the grassy cliff. There she sat, pointing her green orbs to stare at the dark infinity in front of her.

She awaited, breathing the cold chilly air, then, it started.
First came the parade of the reds, shy at first they appeared like dim paintbrushes centered on a spot right in the centre of her field of view, extending left and right and fading up into hues of dark blue.

Then it rose up, pushing away the secret of her private darknesses up, up, and up some more, secluding it up in the sky and then painting it al in light and colour, putting to sleep the holy of the night back in its rooms.

The fire globe then appeared, crossing the dark line of the horizon. The dew on the grass around her started doing the magic, transforming those oblique rays into a thousand little rainbows.

This made her smile.
“I wish to be like you”
she breathed to herself.
“to produce rainbows, out of Ra, the Sun”.
“Ra in bow”

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started