Yesterday

Finally like a stranded floating vessel
against my will I reached the gates of night.

Laying exhausted on that shore my soul sought that
it craved both peace and furious bliss.

Goddess Hypnos rose, my flesh surrendered.
Possessed by dreams of Love I dreamt

I dreamt of sailing Oceans and riding waves of love,
swept by those winds that only tied us more, making me stronger

This very morning I found myself on the same shore, I took a breath inhaling morning air, and salt, and sky.

Tie me

Warning: Passionate Daring Daydream

Oh Yes, please, tie me, so that You will witness how I long all day, to stretch my hand to offer Thee myself.
Tie me as a proof of my trust in You doing to me whatever You wish.
Offered, One with you, Relying.
And when You will, You will sense in every cell how I will be aching even more for your return, fierce, desirous, YOURS.
Tie me with your love, Your care, the power that binds us.
And if You tie me and be silent, You will know me there and you will smile. Do it and I will make You feel the Goddess in my mortal life. Do it and my love, lust, and sacred desire will pull You, making You feel like hurrying to Your Kitty to find her melting in lustrous desire and immense true living passion.

Tie-me-not, because I am tied to You already and forever.
Tie-me-yes, though please!
Let o/Our love Tie me, let my Love crave You.

Tie me to the bedposts please, allow yourself to do that to Your Kitty please, so that she will pant for hours even more in the need of you.

Amplify this devouring need already filling my every minute that I cannot conceive to be greater.

Tie me there please, and I will fill Your heart with the image of me and my Love. Allow yourself to do it please and I promise to inhabit Your soul with the vision of my mind, heart and body, as I truly am, every moment of the day: YOURS, tied, belonging. It will have in you even more palpable, the burning feeling of this love that is all Yours and need You and only You to set on fire our existences.

Already
You have me tied,
intertwined forever,
in unbreakable Oneness.

On Names

Because a name may by itself be a prayer.

Because its sound can express an entire universe and letting it go from our lips can be life

What is there in a name?
In the end, in it there is all that we charge it with
So, for me, yesterday night, it was “Her name”.
It was closing the eyes and whispering it.

A “name” can be many things to us.
A name can be life, breath,
a name can be terror,
a name can be music,
a name can be tears,
a name can be …

The name will never truly be what we FORCE it to be, it will just be what it represent within us, for us.
What we feel it is.

It can be everything but at the same time we cannot make it to be everything.

In the end
every day, every night
if we close the eyes to “feel”
and chant “the name”,
then it will respond
it will speak its nature to us.

Last night I stopped the book I was reading.
I whispered those syllables.
I listened to what they filled me with
and they spoke.
In my bed I whispered.
I listened to it all
till exhaustion killed the shouts
till staying down killed the shouts
I got flooded with it all
I got cuddled with it all

We Are

“You are amazing!”

“Oh, well, thank you, actually, I am just a consequence”

“You are a consequence? What do you mean? I see you and I find you beautiful”

“Well, <me>, <you>, <everyone>, we are nothing but consequences. I am a consequence of my emotions and thoughts. I am a consequence of my heart and mind. What I do, how hard I work on myself, my dedication to things, the lack of, my attitude towards others, life, love: they are all consequences of my heart and mind, of our thoughts and feelings. I just listen to them, and be what they suggest.

Our actions and words, what we are. All of it is a consequence of our hearts and minds. That is for me a good reason to give importance to them.

The Wait

Waiting is an expression of Love
Waiting is a form of bondage
Waiting is a silent prayer
Waiting is a proof of caring
Waiting is turning every instant into a gift
Waiting is valuing what’s worth for us

Waiting is offering
Ourselves

On Relationships

“Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together.” /John M. Gottman/

Cards on the table, this is sincerely one thing I have seen happening often in a relationship, be that a marriage or otherwise. “Together but separate”; this, to me, is the definition of a sort of long drawn slow suicide. Perhaps this is also why I value so much communication, checking-in, openness and vulnerability. For me relationship has always meant believing it will be a lifelong travel. Either this or i would not have gone for a relationship. Not having a roommate to share chores with and a roof over our heads. It is the reason why I believe in (to the point of sometimes craving for) connection in a relationship. What i mean is Genuine, Authentic Connection. Connection and commitment. The ways of this connection are not the same and having the same dynamics for everyone, but it is the key, however this equilibrium is realised. It has to exist and be of a type that is fulfilling for both. Making the choice to be invested, loyal, honest and patient, over and over again. Choosing this even when the two are exhausted and stressed out. I aim at being someone who makes the other “feel” more than think and to which the behaviour of the other gives the same feeling back, someone who wants it just as much as the other “needs” it. I am someone who misses it when this is not realised and work for it, and yes I feel weird when this is not understood, it does not change me and how I behave but a part of me is unable to comprehend deviations from that. I think in relationships one must be someone who understands and more importantly, accepts. Someone who allows being loved and is open to that, craving it too. And even when the two don’t seem so get it, they try, hard.

“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
/John M. Gottman”/

The Conference meeting

Sorry: today it will be a little extract of a Short Story from me

I met Her on the metro. She was going to the University. I was there for a Conference.

My seminar was set to take place at 11, at the Engineering department. The talk I was asked to give was about the frontiers of Nanotechnology at the light the new findings in Solid State Physics. Over the years the time gap between new discoveries and their applications have progressively shrunk to the point of being barely non existent. Big companies knew that and I knew that too. In order to have funds for the research, maths, and physics I was interested to do I needed to convince the big guys about how cool it was what I was doing. That conference was an ideal place for that. This is why I decided to attend to it, despite my allergy for these type of venues.
I had everything ready already when I left from my country but, as always, as the presentation day gets closer one decides to add new things or change something.

The night before my presentation, after finally landing and arriving to my hotel room, I stayed up very late. Presentation rehearsal, changes, little adjustments, extra slides to cover eventual questions, the usual stuff. It is not my style to be late and I had the feeling that everything was conjuring against me till tiredness did its job sending me to dreamland . The morning of my scheduled seminar I left my hotel room good 30 minutes ahead of what I originally planned. Trapped in negative feelings I entered the transfer station trying not to be pushed left and right like a doll by the daily commuters. I knew Japan was a nightmare for commuters and I didn’t know why I decided to use public transportation, but hey, there I was. I dived into the river of people and finally reached for the place where I should have had my pickup. Yes, Japan is an odd place where to move for someone from the Western world if you are not used it.
In the little vital space I had in that waiting corner I arranged myself and put the articles I studied during the flight and needed as references back in my bag. Once sitting I adjusted my handbag, stretched my legs a bit and started rotating my tired ankles, lost in my thoughts and looking at them. I remember I smiled, and maybe secretly giggled. I like my ankles. I was wearing my 4 inches black décolleté shoes, the ones I bought for the occasion and of which I was particularly proud of.

I kept repeating myself things like “Ok Michelle, You are sexy and you are prepared, you worked hard for this and presenting the data will be showtime. They gonna like it, you gonna catch them with your data, drive ‘em around and bewitch them”. Data I was going to present were in disagreement with most of what the other speakers were going to say but data were incontrovertible, and they opened up a lot of potential for a whole new class of materials. Still it would have made quite some people uncomfortable, I couldn’t afford to seem uncomfortable myself. I needed to look confident about what I was going to present, but as shy as I look I knew every fear would probably just vanish once I started to discuss things in which I believed. Normally it works like that for me.

When I shook my mind from those thoughts I couldn’t help noticing a stunning woman standing up, she was apparently waiting too, not far from where I was, standing alone. I have never been particularly attracted to tall women, or rather, in general, it has always been a turn off, rather than a turn on. In my past experience rarely a very tall girl had the sufficient elegance to mix with the power of her appearance. It was as if I had less “expectations” in terms of elegance for a petite. Yes, I was naturally less “demanding” and grace and elegance were easier to stand out and strike me in a short woman. A tall woman, on the contrary, to impress me, had really to radiate a sensuality of uncommon power. Anyway, this time the one standing up and checking her things was definitely an amazing woman. The kind of woman whose beauty can be understood only by a woman, while men, would just drool over her, nonsensically, simply not getting it.

The crowd of commuters, casual people, yelling groups, instead of shading her figure was on the contrary even more making her natural sensuality to brutally emerge. Well, in this case, when I say She was “standing over them” I am not meaning it only physically. Reserved as I generally am, I could not but admire her, in awe and respect. Realising it made me uncomfortable, Papers in my hands and wearing my elegant attire made of a portfolio black skirt, thigh high stockings, my shoes, and white silky shirt, it took good 20 seconds to me to wake up and realise that from outside I could have appeared like a lonely woman not used to travel and lost. The thing made me flush, get angry at myself and nervously finish adjusting my things, in the wait to arrange myself for the transfer. As I did that She happened to have her head turned to me. Her hair were slightly curly, shoulder long. Her eyes: wide and probably a shade of light blue, but I couldn’t really tell, from the place where I was. it was a moment but as she crossed my eyes my cheeks burnt, even under my olive skin. The embarrass I felt was the one you feel when you have been peeked over something that you were not supposed to stare. The kind of embarrass i was not feeling since my teen years, I hate to feel that way, I hate to feel vulnerable, if not around people I know very well.

I guess that being the cause of those reactions must be something that a woman of such beauty could be used to, but still i was too confused to have any really rational thought in that precise moment.

The thought I kept having in my mind as I lowered my head to my pursue, simulating an urgency to adjust my personal things hat i did not have was making me think:

“Mmh women like her, well, they are beautiful. Michelle, look, isn’t it funny?
People are attracted and desire to admire her. So, what is it like to be her ? Think about it, Michelle: what is it like to be under the eyes of all the lousy persons around? Oh Michelle, think if it were YOU. You are already pissed off when someone with an ugly evil look stares at you, what should it be for her? ”.
So, I was having all this sort of contort thinking. I guess it is the typical thoughts we women do have, at times. Anyway I was doing that, a bit to avoid my blushing and a bit to kill time in the way, although I had lost track of time in that moment.

There i was, a presentation to give, my laptop ready in my bag, plenty of references to defend my arguments and totally distracted. DAMN. Then again I lifted my eyes. I remember looking at what she was wearing. She was dressed in business attire – a charcoal business jacket and skirt and sheer, black stockings with stiletto heels. It is the type of tailleurs I LOVE wearing. “Damn, Michelle, Damn”.
What was she ? Maybe graduated in laws ? The responsible of some of the companies sponsoring the Conference ? Her make-up subdued, yes, that could have been her job for what I could tell. Gorgeous, stunning. Her manners must have been serious, I got more and more curious about her. She gave the impression of being extremely calm and quiet though, controlled. Yes, her figure was spelling that word, loud and clear: control.
Shook my head, adjusted my hair. Then again more questions, thoughts. Would she be going to the Conference Hall too ?
Now, that was likely, on top of that, that was the place for shuttles and private transportations going in that direction.

My curiosity grew, and in my mind I started playing many different solutions to try to speak to her. Scenarios. Typically me, my typical woman feminine thinking. You are stupid, Michelle. Yes, curiosity eating my neurones, so NOT-ME. So nice though.
To my side I had the conscience that being a foreigner could have made it not too strange if I would have approached her asking for … “informations maybe”? Then, of course being well dressed and being Her the most elegant person around me it could have sounded natural, no?
So I did what i would have never done in my life in my country, in my habitat, or in a normal situation.

“I’m sorry Miss, may i ask You a question ?”

I remember every single word and detail of her reply.
She looked at me, and after a few seconds that lasted an eternity and with a smile that paralysed me she said

<I was wondering how much time you would have spent there, before doing it . . . “Miss” >

She marked the word “Miss” in a particular way, accompanying it with a smile that twisted her lips in a simple, breathtaking, way. She did it as if she wanted to say .. you called me Miss .. so I do throw it back to you too. Intelligence, confidence, sheer sexiness. No wonder that her words left me off guard. This thing amused Her. it clearly did. Clearly.
“Gosh if you are a WOMAN, I thought…
Gosh if You know how to treat people and you like it.
Gosh .. this must be your game.
You cause reactions and it is pure pleasure when what you cause, with no effort exactly matches what You forecasted.”

My thoughts were just like that, but it was as if she knew what I was thinking and she also knew I was aware or her awareness.
Not wanting to go off the track from dialogue she expected I asked

< Sorry “Miss” … how much time before doing what ?>

This time trying to sound surprised but at the same time not wanting to let the control of the conversation to her.
She didn’t back up by a bit though, a little tilt of her head, and with brutal seductive cordiality.

How much time before you finding an excuse to talk to me of course, but don’t worry. I enjoyed the wait, and winning this bet with myself.
So where are YOU going ?


She asked me.
I didn’t wanted to comment on the first part of Her phrase, which clearly sent my heart on fire. She wanted that and I was not going to give it to her, not that easy.
She scored and we both knew. So I just answered her

To the Engineering Department and then Physics., there is a three day Workshop there and i am attending it.

My nipples were hardening, I could literally feel them rubbing on the inside of the silk of my soft buttoned shirt and I was praying for her not to notice it.

From behind a column, just by us a man in a suit appeared and smiled to Her. Probably the driver she was waiting for.

Let’s continue this dialogue tomorrow. You will find me in this same place and this same hour, if you will be here, we will continue. It will be early morning, normally conference starts later, You’ll have time. I think we might have something like 30 minutes. It has been a pleasure

She said this turned and cordially left. All I was left with was her magnificent ass swaying, closed tight in her black suit, and walking to the car. Her ass, the echo of her words, the back of her fit slender legs, the sound of her tickling shoes that made my ones of which I was proud, to fade into the total anonymity of shoeland. I was left with that, and my rage at myself for feeling as I was feeling in that moment.

There was no decision to take, it was already clear. The day after I would have been there. Same place, same spot, same hour.

On Silence.

Because silence speaks loud only for those having something to say.

Silence: it is venerated the silence, revered, worshipped. Much has been written about silence, poems have been composed, quotes about it can be found through all the human eras. Truths about all aspects of silence have been expressed, underlying the virtues of silence, the force of silence, the “voice” of silence. You can read phrases telling how a silence could scream louder than one thousand words, and more …
Oooh i know all this, I understand all these things, I have them running in my veins, I chew them, I breath them, I feel them, I taste them, I even could make use of them.

I know how a silence from me could transmit the weight of my heart, or eventually how silence could be used as a blade, or rather to heal and express the strongest nearness of soul. I know how my silence could bring me close to someone living within myself or bring me to someone can be reached only through it: “silence”.
I know how a silence can calm me, soothe me, or remove the useless trappings from my life, built over simple values. I know how silence connects me to what is the really essential, the core. Of all this I am aware.

I natheless know more. I know this.

Without its nemesis, “communication”, silence would lose all its strength.

I know that if my soul would not speak and I would not say all I say, then silences would never have the power they are and I know that their power increase at par with the depth of what is said.
I know that for silence to be powerful we must be able to face and stare into each other’s eyes and tear our heart out of our mouth. THEN being silent will be the powerful weapon it can be. This is one more reason to never let things unspoken. Never avoid doing it for bad and good things for the hurtful and also for those little beautiful things which are the daisies in the field of life. Those must be spoked too, so that their absence will become as powerful as they deserve. All this needs chanted and not silenced. This do give meaning to silence. I know that we should praise both silence and its nemesis, this I know. Without it the silence will “stop speaking”. Without it, staring into each other’s eyes will be just “optics”, and not that power exchange that it has to be.

For my silences to speak they do need my words
For our words to weight they need our silences


For my silence to speak they need our words
For words to weight they need our silence

The yin and the yang.
Balancing.
Completing.

As for me and silence: never fear for me when I do speak.
Never fear me being lost when drops of my heart do rain, pouring like crazy, exploding in blasts of flames from a dark furious sky.
Fear rather if this would not happen, fear my silence, as I was not done for it.
I do know silence and I do respect it, I worship it and under the strength of his spell I had already been a captive.

Silence must be watered
with all the love that its noisy nemesis is capable of,
if not it will be just “void”.

As for me. I deeply believe that what should be feared it is THAT type of silence, because that silence would make all the other silences, powerless.

“Love” for me

Being in Love for me means “Love is You“.
Being in love for me equal to “You is Love

My beloved, to me
YOU is LOVE

It is not treasuring, it is not enjoying, it is not the pleasure I seek when I am ok, it is not the moments of peace I seek to be a little better when I am not, it is not what I chant with my writing, or the music I play on piano when things go well or wrong.

YOU is LOVE
because it is all that, and more.

You is Love
because I belong, because my heart seeks you, because my mind wants yours, because my body needs you,
You is Love because it just is.

You is Love because no lust is like our togetherness, you is love because my mind melts with my body and is wrapped in our intertwined souls in our being One.
You is Love because the world does not exist the time bends and it is an orgasm going beyond our orgasms. You is love because there are moments I would rip you apart, and “You is Love” in those moments. You is love because there are moments I would cry all the blood in my veins for you. You is love because there has been days in which i didn’t sleep one minute seeking for you and then the good night kiss has been enough to sweep and overcome all of it.

You is love because i/w/We do not need others. You is love because I’d forget the world and ignore others and I do have to force myself not to do it. You is love because I cannot stay without letting you know I am near, Yours, You in me, me in You.

You is love because I suffer at the idea to leave you waiting, or leave something ours unattended. You is love because it is outwordly, you is love because anything else pales, you is love because it is blasphemy to ignore anything ours. You is love because in all my kindness i could be harder than you probably imagine, to defend us. You is love because of the pride I feel being together in front of the world. You is love because happiness fades when you are unwell. You is love because a good part of my happiness is tied to yours.

You is love because i belong to you, because it is something that makes me feel like nothing else. You is love because it is where all my soul wants to exist. You is love because in your every word I trust. You is love because w/We are soul naked truths, when it might cost bruises because it cant be otherwise. You is love because i got no fear it will fade for anything outside us.

YOU is LOVE because it just is, because LOVE is YOU

{kitty michele}
Yes, I have been close and personal today.
I did it because I open my soul and write what I feel about, always.
Close and personal, and maybe boring, Sorry, me is this crazy.

Knowing me 101

No, I am not snob, I am picky, and not by my choice.

I just end up discovering that for some things I am like that. The fact is that I end smiling more comfortably with people having something to say, challenging me but in a good way, people able to look into my eyes with no fear. People having no fear to offend me by saying what they think, and thus showing me respect, or to stay silent when there is nothing to say, without needing to babble about nothing.

I just end up feeling more comfortable with people like that, and my smile or laughter blossom in an easier fashion in their company. It is sort of normal survival, evolution. It is natural selection. I smiled an inner smile when I realised that it is for me what I call “survival of the kindest”.

So no, I am not snob, I just live my breaths, my thoughts, my dreams, I do share and communicate them and this ends up in a flow that brings me naturally into being maybe a bit selective. To protect and value what for me is important. I actually think that everyone does it.

I do value and keep precious my friends and those persons, or “things”, that grow with me. It’s that simple. Over the years I have crossed the path of persons who feels they should belong to a whatever flow, just to be part of something. More than gross, I find that sad. By doing so they often end up having to push in order to fit into clothes that do not fit them. Everyone of us should live our own flow. Everyone of us do have a place, and we have to dig inside ourselves to discover what it is and make it blossom.
It can take a lot of strength to do so. It takes/took determination and strength to me. It is something I am proud though, or at least I can claim it takes strength, so I can smile and giggle in thinking I have an excuse for being slightly “picky”

Kitty Michele …. Smiling

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started