Category: Diary

Life Lessons

Pain. You are a life reminder, You are the reminder that we are mortal, the reminder that we have to struggle to obtain something. You remind us that the moments when apparently nothing special is going on, they actually are moments in which all the magic of life runs smoothly. They are moments in which we should be grateful.
Oh, not necessarily religiously grateful, not necessarily being praying or such. But rather remember we should open our arms turn the head up to the sky and giggle, smile, laugh, inhale harmony.

Pain. The torment of aching, a little irking, a deadly wound. Different degrees of pain, different and still all alike. Pain is not measurable. Sometimes it is, in theory it could be, but we are human, we are love creatures, emotional creatures, and that makes it relative.

There is who is facing death, and feels calm, painless, blessed. Then there could another girl: having lost the use of a finger, she wanted to be a pianist, and so she ends up thinking her life is destroyed, with no future and those thoughts intoxicate her mind, to the point she feels like dyeing, and in fact she does. Because pain is absolute and relative at the same time. There is no absolute value, even a small one can become an insurmountable mountain. Paradoxically, the very same fact that a little thing may turn out to be unbearable, that same thing teaches us that nothing is insurmountable, and through our mind, spirit, and heart, we can put everything in perspective, and overcome anything.
Because in the same way as no relative is an absolute, then every absolute can be turned into a relative.

Pain,
Life Teacher

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Layers of Lies, Castles of Cards (LoL CoC)

The fact is that most people is made up, or wrapped, with layers of lies. I want to be good, so I assume that maybe it starts with a little lie, a little “masquerade” so to speak. But then another one attaches to the first, like little insects accumulating on flypaper.
Another and another, and slowly the layer of lies becomes the dress, it becomes the day to day dress, their new normal, so to speak.
To these layers new lies are sometimes attached, to embellish the dress, to adjust it, and on and on. Tragic how this is the standard for most people, tragic how this may be the case for the ones around us.
Sometimes something happens revealing a flash of the covered skin, the true one, the fragile one and now even more fragile, delicate, so delicate that these people feel the need to hush to cover them, immediately.
A new layer, sinking the true self even deeper inside.
There are days when there is a little ripple, from inside, the desire to rebel, to scratch those fake (sometimes even beautiful) crusts, off the skin, to come out. For a moment there is the desire to rise, to show the pale skin, the scars, the flaws and beauty but then, it fades. It fades maybe because after all these people are attached to this or that, they fear losing something from the world that knows them fro what they are not. They fear they will be not only judged, but even not accepted, hated maybe.
So they give up. For a day, two, five, their soul hide and curl inside the built dress. A burning ember hidden in a royal shell.
After this period it all comes back to natural
It all comes back to putting new layers, inventing new glowing scales for their dress, for their armor.
In doing this, succumbing even more into feeling weak. Devoured by the paradox of the whole thing, since they started it all for one reason, feeling stornger.

Kitty

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Wished Dreams

Dreams.

Dreaming, Yes, there are dreams at night.
Wishing the good dreams to populate my nights.
I want the good dreams.
Who doesn’t ?
Easy dreams, peaceful dreams, wild dreams, sexy dreams, dreams of good remembers and dreams of things to come.
Even more than that, simple dreams.

The simple dream in which I am that woman, the One that loves and is loved. Dreaming to go to work after the morning run, showering, getting decent and moderately elegant. Dreaming to leave my apartment in the morning, with all my things, the bills to pay, the errands to do, the worries of the day, my hair to adjust, my poems and worries in me as I walk the world, then having my book on my thighs in the train and the One I Love in me through all this. This simple thing, making me invincible, with an easy simple smile on the face of that decent woman on the train.

Dreaming simple things, daily things, being the woman that stop to buy things or do grocery, the one that have a coffee on the street on the way to my office. Dreaming this to be enough for You to wish to kiss me, just because I am me.
Isn’t this what everyone wish, after all?
This and nothing more.Why ?
Why dreaming this?
Because You, my Special One, You are this to me. Because to me loving is this, and the moments you are YOU and lost in your things, those are the moments when I’d throw my arms around you, and make you spin, with me, in this simple world, in this simple dream, and there is nothing that can come close to this.

Simple dream, a dream that has the name of Love, those syllabi.

No bad dreams, no complicated dreams, a simple one.

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No Bad In Having Dreams

There is no bad in dreaming.

No, it does not mean to be disconnected from reality.
It means to be able to curl into a special place and dip our feet into a calming sea.

It means taking a swim, to then get out of the water and feel refreshed, beautiful, energised.
It means to come out of the water and have a smile that is blessing us, and the ones around us. It does not mean not to be ok with ourselves.

It might mean the opposite, to be perfectly ok with ourselves, strong of what we like and appreciating life as it is.

There is no bad in dreaming.
There is no shame in dreaming, and eventually even be so daring as to share it, with a laughter and the heart being happy.

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Just an entry. Just a personal reflection

We all happen needing a shoulder, a hug, a loving word, sometimes.

Sometimes we do. Sometimes we force ourselves to hide it, to say we deal with everything, and need nothing, because everything we need is in us. True: it is so, and false too.
True, we can manage, we will, we won’t die if we don’t get it. not big deal. Or so we say to us. False, we do need it, we might use a word, a hug, that kindness that we are ready and willing to give to those that we love, and we deserve and hope to receive, sometimes, when a word can help us.

We all do, from A to Z, we all do.
We can do without, but we all do.

That’s something we should remember, so we can give it, and never be stingy of them. So we can deliver, because in the end, it helps not just the receiver, but also the giver.

Happy 31st August, 

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In my Life

In my Life I Love.
In my Life I work.
In my Life I study.
In my Life I listen.

In my Life, I don’t follow money, because through my life, I found out that’s not something making me happier, or giving me something. So I get what I need, for a decent, good, living, and that is perfect with me.

In my Life I try to do the things that fill me the most. I discovered that in doing so I not only realise myself, but I am also creating more happiness around me.

In my life there are things/activities that touches me, pull me, cradle me, connects me to things which are totally disconnected with those activities and still they trigger something. They are many, and many more I hope to find, but I try being dedicated and not scattered.

In my life there are choices, one cannot follow every interesting thing, my very personal belief is that through dedication we grow, through focus. It is a sort of self discipline, and it needs our attention.

In my Life, I love living.
Maybe I am getting older, but now there are times I shiver and I have goosebumps at the thought of what a big thing “life” and “love” are.

In my Life I dream.
I dream of things to achieve, feet on the ground about what is possible and what not but I do dream. We need that, I need that. I’d be much less if I didn’t dream and I would be vacuum if I had no goals.

In my life I learn.
i learn about myself, and possibly I wish to be able to learn from others, and I try to be open to that. There is no day in which I do not learn, so I pray to always stay humble enough to know that there is always more, there is always more and it is worth learning from everything.

Yes, maybe I am getting older, but I enjoy my every wrinkle

Love Always ❤

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Love is No Color

Love is All Colors

Love has no color.
That is so, for a simple reason, because it has ALL the colors. It does not have all the colors summing up so to lose their essence and becoming something else, becoming “white”.
White is the sum of all colors, white is for angels, not for us.

Love is more.
Love is ALL colors because it has also dark ones, and the most luminous ones, it has all possible hues. They are each preserved, each one has a reason to be, every season of it. Love is all colors because they are not to be blurred, erased. Each one exists, with its features, and live together with the others, having its reason to be, in beauty.

That is what I think, at least

Love, always ♡

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Dem0n1us

Another night. Once again she moved to her bedroom to try getting some sleep, once again with no success. Twisting and turning at some point in the middle of the night she moved to the kitchen, surrendering to the fact that sleep would have not come visit her, or maybe it did, in microsleeps intertwined with tears, and all sort of thoughts.

She found him there, in the darkness of the living room, after leaving the kitchen. She didn’t know if she was dreaming or not, if she was awake or not, if he existed or not, but she found him there. He was standing there. She could not discern his figure, his look, his shape. Did he possess a shape at all ?

Ciao. – He said –

Who are You? How did You get in?

She did not feel like being in physical danger, it was too surreal for that. She wanted to know who he was, why. She was not so important, or precious, or rich, or hiding anything special. Nor she felt like being such an interesting sexual prey. So who was he?

Michelle Michelle, I have always been around you, in your mind, I did get in you long ago. We get into someone through shocks, feelings, fears. We do get inside in the most different ways.

Who are You? What do you want from me?

Michelle, Kitty Michelle. People call us in mamy ways, the most common one they use for me is “DemOn1us”. Do you know what is a demon?. You all think it is a relgious thing. Religion stole also this from you humans. Religion wants to claim that right too. Do You know what a demon is?.

I guess so. Something ugly I dont want. Someone I want to kick out of my room right away. I got enough things going on already.

It’s not really like that, but there is some truth in it. You humans sometimes get the truth of things without even knowing.
You know what is a daemon in a computer operating system?
You humans developed that programming thing. You humans developed computers, then developed that thing, the “operating system” to take care of the basic tasks, and then, when doing so, you “invented …” (laugh) a little subset of programs that you called “daemons”. They work in every of your computers, they are little independent programs, that lives their own life. You know nothing about them. They are transparent to anything else your computer do, but they exist, they do little things, they triggers actions, etc.
You can think about me like that, it will help you understand better what I am, what a demon is. I am a demon, Your main demon.

Fuck you. You do not exist. You are just a bad dream, I’m dreaming about you.

Dem0n1us. Dem – 0, 1, Us.
I don’t care whether you think I am a dream or not. You are screwed up. Your nights are “me”. You know that isn’t it?
November 27, April 17, January 2.
There are things that will forever vist you. Each of you humans have them. When You have inside that void, once it has visited you, it can’t be removed forever. Once You have seen death … You know why you didnt do it? It was me, that day you didn’t do it because you accepted that you will carry the damnation of living, for not having your parents suffering. April 17: your heart. That time you fought, you were angry and you did not accept being sick. January 2, 16 y old, the party, you in that room: your persona being destroyed and brainwashed into being nothing, spirtitually nothing, sexually wrong, a weight for your family. Stripped of all that. It wasn’t good feelings keeping you here. It was the little daemons.

I will always be with you. Some nights you will vomit, others you will pray, you know that since then we will always be with you. All those days, everyone has them. Some are luckier than others. Sometimes You will feel like you can feel more, because you are somehow not mental.
Maybe you are a little mental though.
You write.
You must be mental, isnt it?
I know you think like this, I am you, in you, so I know it.
You write, so you must be mental isn’t it?
dont you think it?
You dont do drugs though. I still dont know why, it’d be easier.
Praying ?
You think it will help?
You beliebe in rationalising, does it help?
What when rationalising fails?
When it happens I dance and laugh, inside your head, You crack nuts.

Fuck You, I know you, fuck you.

You are crying, it’s fun to be in your mind. To make you write all this.
Wanna shout it?
Did your father know?
What did he tell you before dieing? January isnt it?
When he coudl not speak anymore and he was looking into your eyes.
When he was not able to speak, and you thought it was time to speak of so many of those little things you see so important.
What about love? Can you love?
And Your accident ? November isnt it ?
How was it when she looked at you after the coma after the accident?
Are You crying Michele?
How is it ? Should I go on ?
Should we speak about April ?
Tomorrow ?
Tomorrow night?
Again?
Should I return?

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♡ 𝕊𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕎𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕟 ♡

“Strong women do this, strong women do that, a strong woman don’t, a strong woman do …”.

All over the places we are told how a strong woman is the one who doesn’t beg, doesn’t ask, doesn’t stay where she’s not explicitly wanted and requested to please be. Or other things like this and that.

We are told how a strong woman should pretend to be this or that, how she should turn her shoulders in case this is not happening. Oh, no, I do not literally agree to that. It leaves out so much. A strong woman is simply herself, that is the truth.
A strong woman is the one who doesn’t care about being a strong woman, THAT is the truth. A strong person is the one who is herself, that is being strong, that is respecting ourselves and the others.

I am strong when I beg and I am silent, as much as when I demand to be listened. Not one bit less.

Am I not strong when I stay somewhere, even knowing that me giving my time and dedication is not requested and eventually will get to nowhere if not into a gift that may be used or not?

Isn’t that a true sign of how strong and self confident I am?
Isn’t a woman strong when she allows herself to hope for the impossible When she believes in dreams and pursue them, with focus and dedication?
Isn’t she the strongest being when that will make her fall and then she rises again to dream again and again?

How is it that society has pushed us to be slaves to a completely utilitarian way of thinking?
How is it that more and more it is “do ut des” and aligning to a way of thinking and behaving that determines and create a categorisation between who is “strong” and who is “weak”.
To drive people into seeing as stronger the one who “takes” as compared to the one who “gives” is wrong. And how is it that we allow these cages and false boundaries to decide what we are worth to achieve?

Such way of thinking is blind, superficial, it leaves out the core of of self affirmation, it does not recognise the strength of hearts in its entirety, cutting out half of it.

Take this writing, for example. Maybe this has no meaning to exist, maybe it will be read by none, or legions, so what? It can be considered small shitty collection of thoughts by a little woman, “weak maybe” because it has no reason to exist and will lead to nothing.

Well, the fact is: I am ME, and I do it anyway and the fact that maybe a part of me even hopes that someone smiles and feel motivated thinking alike makes me feel ok, it makes me feel everything but not a weakie. Take this writing, I write it because I feel like writing it, because I believe in these things, and if no one ever read it but it still stays written, well, that is one more reason why I am strong, or why I am “me”, while being a simple “dreamergirl” at the same time.

Strong women are the ones that stay, IF they WANT, till they want, and then go. They might stay till they get close to breaking, if they want, or till they feel it is enough, or not a minute. They can stay and then maybe regret they stayed too long, but proud they did their best.

Strong women don’t beg? Wrong.
They beg too, IF they WISH, if they find it worth.
They do it because they are strong, and their begging is a gift. Strong woman are the ones who are themselves, full stop.
Dominant, submissive, begging, staying, going, whatever. They are any way they want and feel. Respectfully, with awareness, and heart. Most of all, strong women do not give a damn about being categorised as strong women.

I Stay, I beg, I speak, I write, I affirm, I make mistakes, I face them, I don’t escape, I smile, I kneel, I love, I laugh, and more.

More than anything else, I am me.

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In Hard Times

In hard times we learn. There are things we can learn.
In hard times comes out the best and worst, it pops out.
In hard times we must do what’s best what will bring us to better times. There’s no other way. It is the easiest of the lessons, the most logic.

We should do what makes us grow, not what stops it. We should pursue what makes us stronger, more than ever we should.
We should not indulge in what will not allow growing paralysed by apparent needs, that prevents us to reach for more.

In hard times I ask myself.
Am I doing what leads to growth ?
Is there something I should sacrifice?
Is there Something I can do better, something I should give up, to achieve greater goodness?
If I want things to go on and to be better, if that is my goal, if in the end I know that the reward will be something greater, then I should do all it needs. Giving up what needs to be released and hold more to what’s needed to achieve that.

This is true at all levels.
That is true about giving up little freedoms like a run, and finding a different solution, in the time of the pendemic.
This is true about something left something unsaid, and we can do that call, or apologize, because it was a nonsense.
This is true at work, where we can leave someone else take our merit, because it will lead nowhere, and that way we can complete a project.
This is true in the public and in the deepest private.
If we believe into something bigger being possible, then we should.

If we truly believe there is greatness, then we should.
The world is beautiful and each of us can contribute.

Hard times teaches this
(but yes, FUCK hard times we are soulful humans, we can smile ).

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